So one of the top stories on the news last night was the stunning revelation from the CSPI, an organization that tries to fool people with its scientific-sounding name but is nothing more than a bunch of shrill harpies trying to keep Americans from their god-given right to fattening food, that……are you ready for this…………restaurant food is high in calories! Gasp. Yes, that mini Uno’s appetizer pizza laden with bacon, cheese, potatoes, and sour cream is NOT a diet food! (It’s damn tasty though, I must say.) Nor is it particularly nutritious! Well, this I would beg to differ with, because it seems to me you’re talking all major food groups there: salty, tuber, crust/bread, cheese, and sour cream.
Even more shocking, that towering slice of triple-chocolate cake? That also is high in calories! Who knew? I did for one, which is why I don’t eat that stuff every day. Not even every other. Try, once in a great while? And, one doesn’t generally scarf down these foods solo. No, there’s this thing called “sharing” that happens, particularly with appetizers and dessert. So saying that the mini-pizza has the same number of calories as 18 cheeseburgers? Yawn. Don’t. Care.
These evil CSPI are the same idiots who made them take all the yummy buttery flavor out of movie popcorn, so now we get to pay $12 for a bucket of cardboard. I spit in your general direction, CSPI, and as a gesture of defiance to your fear-mongering, I’m going to have TWO megabags of cheez doodles today instead of just the usual one. And of course, unlike SOME people, I haven’t been scarfing down entire boxes of Girl Scout cookies, no sirree, not me. I have more self-control than that. Well, I also didn’t have any cookies, but that has changed, thank God, so now I too can throw caution to the wind and gobble down…..umm……I mean, now I can carefully integrate vast quantities of Thin Mints into my finely honed nutrition plan. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’d also work on building my diet around the CSPI’s list of Top Ten Evil Foods you Should Never Eat, but it already reads like a typical day for me: chicken pie, Haagen-Dazs, cheesecake, burritos. All healthy stuff if you ask me, perfectly appropriate for elite triathlete training. And now that Krispy Kreme has come out with a whole wheat donut, I can add those too. Sweet!
Kona, here I come….