Monday, February 26, 2007

The Oscars, a running diary

Well, the wife's out of town for the night, so here's a running diary on the show:

7:30 - the opening video kinda sucked.

7:36 - Ellen's monologue kinda sucked. A few funny parts. "just say you lived in a car, they love that." "America didn't vote for Jennifer Hudson on American Idol and she's here. And Al Gore, America did vote for him and he's here too, go figure." The gospel bit had no point.

7:45 - Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig. Good looking pair.

7:52 - Wil Ferrell, Jack Black & John C. Reilly. Funny. Ferrell: "Ryan Gossling, you're all hip and now, well I'm gonna break your hip, RIGHT NOW." Black: "I'm gonna do that gay coal minin' film with James Spader."

7:38 - Jaden Smith. Too damn cute.

8:10 - Hollywood Sound Effects Choir. More waste off time (but obviously, by this diary, you can see I have time to waste tonight).

8:17 - Jessica Biel and some little weenie presenting. Jessica: "... The Jazz Singer, the film that changed it all." Uh, changed what? I gotta say, I never once said "wow, that Jazz Singer sure changed it all." Neil Diamond? Ok, Jess, you been on a free fall since the left Seventh Heaven, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre didn't really work out (but I heard she was good in the magic movie). Hell, everyone's got a skill set, hers seems to be hangin' on A-list guys' arms. Jessica, btw, Derek Jeter dates A LOT.

8:21 - First Jackie Earle Haley shot. Holy crap, Kelly Leak has aged. "Let the kids play, let the kids play" chants the Astrodome. When they later showed the clip of him getting thrown out of the community pool in Little Children for being a sex offender, I thought "come on Jackie, go swim somewhere else and let the kids play."

8:23 - First upset, I thought Eddie was supposed to win. "Goonie fuckin goo goo," thinks Eddie.

8:25 - Mark Wahlberg talks to Ellen, who's oddly roaming the aisles like David Letterman in his audience. Mark's done great for himself, great actor, but he's always Marky Mark to me. Good vibrations, baby!! Ellen to Scorcese: "oh look, I have a screenplay." That was pretty funny.

8:26 - oh god. Interpretive dance again? I had a conversation about that recently maybe with Tasha. Bad memories of the year they tried it before, esp the one dancer who got a leotard wedgie during her dance.

8:30 - The Departed. Awesome flick. Brutally violent. Still can't figure out how Wahlberg got the supporting nomination over Nicholson.

8:35 - An Inconvenient Truth song. Damn, was hoping for an Al Gore interpretive dance.

8:36 - Leo and Gore pesenting. It looks like Al is 2 Leos wide. Let's check that out. Pause. Tape measure. On a 42" screen, Leo is 8" wide and Al is 12.5" wide.

8:36 - Jerry Seinfeld just got caught picking his nose.

8:47 - Ben Affleck presenting. While his buddy Matt was doing Bourne, Ben decided to do Reindeer Games. Nice move.

8:49 - Tom Hanks, so suave, so sophisticated. He plays great drama, yet at these shows when he's not in character he always seems to have this look in his eyes saying "wow, remember when Keaton got Batman and I got Turner and Hooch and The Money Pit? Where you now, Mike?"

8:59 - the Oscar Baby Bjorn was pretty good.

9:06 - Tom Cruise. He is insane. Let's see how this goes. Ok, that was clearly in-character for Tom. I was still half expecting the Oprah high five and a "woo hoo!!!" upon presenting the award.

9:11 - Ellen gives photography advice to Spielberg. Funny.

9:14 - Gwyneth. Maybe I shoulda named Ellie "Apple". Or "grape". Or "Coconut."

9:20 - Naomi Watts and Robert Downey. Nice Pair. Naomi plays a person on drugs very well (28 Grams). Robert plays a person on drugs very well (every Saturday night).

9:23 - Katherine Deniueve and Ken Watananbe. No humor here. Fast fwd.

9:29 - Clive Owen. Thought he should have gotten Bond role.

9:33 - Clooney. He is thinking "jeez, let's get through this show already, I got a party to get to."

9:36 - Jennifer Hudson wins. Clooney stands behind her during her speech and gazes at her ass thinking: "not a bad ass, a little bigger than I'm used to, but not bad."

9:44 - Seinfeld presents for documentary. "... these 5 incredibly depressing movies ..."

9:50 - Clint Eastwood. Obscure reference here, but I loved when Dennis Haysbert (President Palmer in 24) in Absolute Power begged for mercy and Clint said in his raspy Dirty Harry hushed tone "I'm fresh out". Also, fond memories of him seeming nauseous at the murder scene in Dirty Harry and another cop asked whether it was getting to him. Clint: "I can deal with all the blood, the gore, the violence, but you know what makes me really sick? You're eating ketchup on your hotdog."

9:56 - Celine. Wouldn't it be great if Leo stood on his chair with arms spread wide a la Roberto Benigni while she sang and yelled "I'm king of the world!!! Does her jaw really need to quiver that much? Ennio Marcone speech. Nice foresight, Academy, to not have subtitles on the speech.
10:06 - Hugh Jackman and Penelope Cruz. There was a day I'd be more excited to see Penelope, but really, I have little boys and, holy crap, THAT'S WOLVERINE!!!

10:09 - Ellen: "I see Jack every time I come on stage smiling and laughing, and it's so great, but then I saw him standing in the corner backstage by himself smiling and laughing." That was really funny and nobody seemed to laugh.

10:11 - Tobey and Kirsten. See above 10:06 re Wolverine. SPIDERMAN!!!

10:20 - JLo gets the Clooney-esque single presenter gig? Why does she deserve that? oh, I get it. Nobody could fit close enough to her for the camera to capture both, booty considered.

10:28 - Travolta presenting, thinks "Quentin, come on man, I'm free, what you got for me? And really, why did you have to kill off Vincent Vega? Pulp Fiction coulda been a franchise"

10:35 - Will Smith. Our second 80's teen rapper to become a star. Where are you Vanilla Ice?

10:44 - what the hell was Jack Nicholson doing standing backstage leering at the woman who won editing? That was weird.

10:45 - The Dead Montage. Always interesting, especially the controversies of who they forgot. My commentary:
  • Glenn Ford - Mr. Kent in Superman the Movie (again, I'm all about superheroes)
  • Bruno Kirby - a whole generation just saw the Godfather clip and said "When Harry Met Sally and City Slickers weren't his first movies?"
  • Peter Boyle - shoulda shown a Taxi Driver clip. Or Johnny Dangerously. You know, Johnny Dangerously with Michael Keaton, bigger star than Tom Hanks at the time
  • Jack Palance - "I crap bigger than you." I actually used that line once at the office
  • Jay Presson Allen, screenwriter, with the Liza Minelli still shot. Used to be hot. So weird to see her now. She's like Tom Cruise crazy, but Tom still looks good. Poor Liza
  • Robert Altman was the headliner. Notable, but not a huge year for death.

10:52 - Philip Seymour Hoffman with a very creepy "hi" to start his presentation.

10:54 - Kate Winslett nominated for the movie about Hinsdale, Illinois. Will they need to start calling the winner Dame Helen now?

11:01 - Reese Witherspoon presenting, sending mind-waves to Ryan Phillippe, "you like my dress, babe"

11:04 - Forest Whitaker. Jefferson from Fast Times at Ridgemont High has come a long way. Jeez, everyone from that movie's gone huge and oscar-worthy: Sean Penn, Judge Reinhold ... ok, I guess not everyone.

11:07 - Marty. Finally. What great eyebrows.

11:09 - Jack leering from the wings again. That's odd.

11:10 - Eastwood caught yawning during Marty's speech. Give him a break, he's like 93.

11:13 - Nicholson presenting. Ok, it seems he was called to the stage (or just went there) 29 minutes early. Jack's definitely drunk.

11:14 - The Departed. I wholeheartedly agree, esp since it's the only nominated movie I saw this year.

11:16. Goodnight.