Damn those cretins and their mockery of me. Their jealousy is astonishing. Well, not really, look at them and then look at me. You see my point. To throw them off my trail, lest they try to imitate me, I tried to appease them by attempting to capture the horror of a so-called “training plan” of someone of their ilk (read: non-serious athletes). Had to steal Tasha’s plan because I had no idea where to start – by tripling her numbers and removing some extraneous elements (just WTF is a “Thighmaster”?), I think I fooled them into thinking I’m just a “regular guy” (sniffing distastefully). Adding the laissez-faire notion of “vacation” and the rather proletariat pastime known as a hot tub was a spot of sheer brilliance on my part. Little do they know I’d sooner put my Garmin in a meat grinder than participate in either of those activities. Shudder. The very thought of sitting in hot burbling water that countless others have lounged in as well…….not to mention the precious seconds that would take away from my daily 643 laps in the pool. Pure folly.
But I don’t know how long I can keep up with the charade. The pressure is wearing on me, with these people trying to bring me down, distracting me from the precise beauty of each and every one of the 5,642 workouts I have programmed into my spreadsheet. They have me so rattled that today (gulp), yes today I…well….there’s no good way to put it. Today I “pigged out” on three extra green beans at dinner, and then I got drawn into watching 7 minutes of Grey’s Anatomy on the tv at the gym. Oh, the horror. Normally, of course, I keep my head determinedly turned away at a precise 65 degree angle so that I’m not subjected to the drivel of that “idiot box” that some people seem to enjoy. I don’t know what happened today. I’m losing it. Focus, Ryan, focus. Clearly it may be necessary for me to start my own blog: ‘Forsooth, this water is exactly 54.3 degrees with an ambient wind gradient of 78 knots.com’. It may be my only hope. Once more unto the breach, dear friends. Courage.